The last week has been one I wish I could of handled better. Instead I was over emotional and apparently wrong to feel what I felt. If I were anything it was overly sure that the reactions to what I was saying would be understood. Apparently we have alot to learn about each other. About how the other feels about things.

I didn't dream last night. I'm glad. If dreams were echoes then it would be Danny at the bar last night. Thats a dream I don't want to have. It was bad enough hearing you look so sad to your face, i would rather not hear it in my mind as well.  What makes it worse is I was trying so hard to smile.

The day before yesterday me and Mike didn't connect in a conversation that should of been a cakewalk for us.  It made me wonder how big the problem really was.  It seems like a floating city on a collision course with where we are now. When before it was small and insignifagant. I guess thats what happens when you don't know everything and learn it in one of the worst ways.  I went to work and spent my time thinking on what happened and trying to find better ways to end the conversation. I don't know what to say anymore. Everything I do and say seems wrong.  Its getting harder to say words. Damn it why can't we go back in time 2 months and be happy like that now. I try to ignore the city heading towards us and he asks a question that brings it to mind. Or admits something that would of been poignant to know when it had counted.  Soon I'll be making waves following the conversation to an end i see coming but want to avoid. You have no idea how sad it makes me having to go in circles in conversations when all I want to do is break the circle. Be mike and Josh as opposed to Mike, Josh, Lance, Kurt, problem, problem, resolution, reaction, and so on.  I guess this comes with learning, like breathing sometimes the air is thick and you just gotta take deeper breathes.

Yesterday i went with Lance downtown. He said something painful, and I got on a bus then found myself wandering Dallas for something that felt like home. I didn't find it in all the places I went to when I was kid. Everything I knew was closed, and it was ridculous cause I had a little bit of cash and wanted to do something that resembled having a social life that didn't involve friends or relationship. You know watch a movie, read a book, get a life as I was rudely told to get.  I walked to Oak Lawn somehow and went to the old videostore with the funny gay movies. Ofcourse it had been taken over by porn and overpriced foreign films. Then I went to the bookstore/coffeehouse I had gone a date at when I was 16.  It was no longer what it had once been. Instead it was the contents of a gay perverts book shelf on flimsy would shelves and a guy behind a bar who shouldn't make me coffee. That was 5 dollars i'll never see again and the drink sucked. I was peaved at this point. So I saw a bar across the street and figured why not grab a drink, it was early enough to where I could drink and still make it to the train on time.  So I went  to JR's and ordered a Long island Ice Tea and went up the stairs. I stood outside overlooking the gay part of Dallas. There were so many couples.  I was in awe of how it was free here to love someone you shared sex with.  I drank my drink and felt soft arms around me. I smiled as I heard a voice I hadn't heard in years in my ear.  My exboyfriend's friend Catherine had found me.

The young beauty was androgynously attractive with chocolate baby curls that bounced around her perfect model face and wire rimmed glasses that held on the tip of her button nose with magic.  She was dressed in a form fitting see through white shirt with no bra and torn jeans so you could see one of her beautiful asscheeks without much effort. We caught up on the last three years and she bought me another drink and we scoped around the bar for elgible bachelors. It was funny. I wasn't interested in looking for a guy for the evening lol but she insisted I try since it was my first time in an actual gay bar.  We had fun imagining the lives of other people. Then we went to an older lesbian bar called Buddies 2. We bypassed the older women inside who smiled and waved at Catherine who was all movie star smiles and were soon on the poolside beach styled back yard.  I smiled and she bought more drinks.  We shared her cigarettes and talked about life and I told her about Mike and Lance. She seemed pleased that I had come out on top in the end. Then she talked about kissing her bestfriend and for a second there was a look of sadness in her face, quickly the beer washed it away.  Then a sexy boylish lesbian named Sam carried boughts of mad dog to the bar and we watched her together. Me from my silly boyish charm and her from somewhere I thought was drunken lust but turns out was lonely yearning.  She eventually channeled Sean Connery and said "Sam whats your number?" Sam gave her the number and as she walked away shyly called after us "Call me...please." 

I was amazed, in my 22 years of life I had never seen it done like that, so easy. I was at a lost for words as Catherine did an Irish jig down the sidewalk.  It was insane seeing someone want another and just say "Hey". I really wonder why lesbians say we have it easier then them.  Seriously I wonder this.  Then we went to Catherine's car where she had a cup of vodka water in it. She drank the whole thing while i listened to a lesbian rapper sing about her first pair of "4 inch heels, i'm getting mine".  I was slightly intoxicated and just feeling the beat when she pushed me back out into the air.  Then 3  cars down she threw up everywhere.  I watched and wondered if this was worth it. The putting yourself out here and finding someone who prolly wanted a night.  She threw up for 5 minutes while I patted her back. Then with a pop she was up and rearing to go again.  I followed as we went to a gas station bought cigarettes and then were back JR's on the second floor. I noticed I had 3 guys stairing at me and found it hilarious. I relayed this with Catherine and we took turns making dumb faces at them.    While a gay couple discussed one of them sleeping with me. This I found enlightening to the point where I said "If you have to talk about it, its not going to happen not that it would anyway." and boldly returned to my drink.  Then the music started and the bodies were everywhere and Catherine was grinding against me and we were dancing in the bar. More people watched me as I used moves I didn't know I had. She smiled as she pressed my hands in places I would rather not think about as we grinded. Then we were out in the cold air laughing over something we had seen and running through busy traffic. We past a naked cowboy and we stopped and tried to see the appeal gave up and our feet were pounding pavement again.  We ran to Round Up and were inside the country themed bar soon after we made it past the bear security gaurds. 

Round up was a bar full of all the Cowboys Paula Cole was looking for in the nineties. I talked to a few of them trying to understand what was really behind gay dating. Nothing compares to hearing your life story from a complete stranger while you're eating fresh pop corn that is the greatest thing ever cause you are that drunk.  Then I felt Catherine's hand guiding me to the dance floor and she taught me to two step.  I found myself getting the hang of it as we danced around in circles and had a few cheers.  We were to busy laughing for it to make sense. We were dancing and thats all we needed to know. Then after going around the entire bar we settled in a dark corner and pretended to be vampires. She bought jello shots from a very pretty shirtless cowboy and brought them over to me. I was eating my popcorn dilligently as she handed me my two. She sucked them down and were out the door again. Night had come down on us somehow and we were at JR'S again. 

While sitting outside i met Mark a somewhat brillant pharmacutical researcher, who was quite full of himself. I sat nodding my head at all the right moments while wondering when he would stop talking.  I then saw my dream guy walk into the room. It was like seeing my book characters rolled into one. Catherine had ditched me temporairly for someone on her phone that had made her make a sad face.  So seeing the dream guy come alive was weird to me.  I didn't think they existed lol. So i looked down and sure enough thong sandles. I looked back up and he was looking out at the airless gay part of town. I shouted hey and he looked at me unphased by my volume and smiled.  Its only in the face of dreams that you see it was what you wanted then but not when in the presence of it. His name is Brandon and he and his boyfriend were about to have a crazy week.  Then he started asking me all these questions and summised that at 22 I knew nothing about life and would learn in time. I was transfixed by this gay yoda and took everything he said about life to heart. I wont forget his advice. Then I was alone in a swell of guys who wanted guys for things I wasn't interested in, I thanked Brandon again, said by to Mark who kissed my cheek and embraced me as if we had known each other for years. I caught Brandon looking and he didn't look as sage like as he had before. Instead he looked Jealous, which made no sense to me. So I lit a cigarette and took the dark stairs slowly confused but feeling like I had had one of those moments that change your life for the better. 

I walked past the crap bookstore and came in contact with a hooker. The guy was taller then me with the weary I used to have a motorcycle look and he was wanting to have sex and take a shower. I was smiles and nods and gone to RoundUp where i caught up with Catherine who was doing Karoke and I noded and moved into the dance hall. I was in shock. Every gay couple in Dallas seemed to be there and they looked so happy. My eyes burned and my heart beat accelarated as I got closer to the dance floor.  I watched couples of all nationalities and genders dancing. I watched to two tattooed and pierced lesbians hug each other and spin to the songs. I watched an older gentleman and a young guy hold each other like lovers who had the years to prove it. I was mesmerized by all the love in the room. Then I was sad, then I was feeling everything that had happened happen again and i was trying to find an exit. I found myself back in the bar area instead and found myself sitting at the bar. My breathing was normal again and I was waiting for the tears to come, they were burning my eyes but not falling.  Then I felt a hand on my back and I looked and met Danny. 

Imagine saying hello to sunshine and that was meeting Danny.  He was older then I was with spiky brown hair and horn rimmed glasses and a goatee.  He was my height and smiled. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I was alright first time bar hopping. He nodded and then looked worried as a bigger mexican guy pressed against him. Danny leaned close to me and told me, "If he fucks with me, defend me" I was in shock at the words. As Danny introduced me as his Irish African brother from another mother. I puffed out my chest and reached around Danny to shake the mexican guy's hand.  The mexican guy Markos was there with his husband Joshua who was up on stage doing Karoke and Markos wanted to know why I was so sad. Which made Danny want to know why I was so sad.  It was a bit overwhelming so I just said, "Life's a bitch sometimes and turned to the little square of cut cards and pens and i scooped them up and began to draw on them. I drew cities, forests, eyes and lips, a boy's face, and then I felt Danny leaning on me as he told me he wanted a sacred heart.  I looked at him for a second and nodded and drew a full real life style heart.  Danny stuck up a conversation with me and concluded that a boyfriend should always be honest and if not then thats not right.  Then he informed me that he wasn't happy in his relationship.  That intimacy wasn't there. We watched Catherine and a very hobo looking guy making out and grabbing on each other and he tried to figure out what was happening there. I shrugged and we kept talking and laughing.  He grazed my hand with his and there was eye contact and questions.  At one point I took his hand and traced the lines in it. Its how I get to understand someone based on the extent of their skin. 

Danny told me that too pass his test I had to stay, then he asked something I FOUND EYEOPENING.

"Can I buy you a drink? It would be a honor to buy you a drink."

I felt like Grey from Grey's Anatomy for a second as i said ok.  He bought me a Long Island Iced Tea and we kept talking to each other for two hours while Catherine routinely slammed into me like a frieght train cause she was so drunk.  The guy she had been making out with her tried something to far for her liking and she looked crushed, like a butterfly under hand.  Danny looked upset by her sudden appearance and looked at me sternly as if I knew something I was supposed to already of guessed. Then it hit me, he was actually putting forth effort with me into something new.  I hugged him and he gave me his two emails, myspace, and phone number on a card and said "Lets see what happens next" I carried Catherine to her car and a woman in an SVU came around checked on Catherine and with me basically driving we made it home. Ofcourse Lance was sitting outside waiting for me cause I had the house key.  I carried Catherine up the stairs and gave her food and water while Lance looked at me with a look of surprise.  Then Ruben came over and was floored by how hot Catherine was. I checked Danny's myspace to see if he was real. Talked to mike who I guess  he wasn't feeling ok  with me cause he didn't seem to want to talk to me. I really wanted to talk to him and smile with him.  Instead I made sure Catherine was alright getting home and then I was forced to bed by Lance.

I wasn't happy that I didn't get to  talk to Mike but I slept.

Its easy for someone to see you if they try.

Not bad for a nerd who spends his time reading Jane Austen novels huh?

I doubt i'll ever bar hop again.  I lost a pack of cigarettes at JR's. Damn it. I'm so glad I am off today.  Urgh hungover and feeling giddy for reasons unknown save it felt like i accomplished something by Barhopping and meeting Danny who could be a great friend someday.  And meeting Brandon who offered me so much advice and made me feel like i was a step closer to personal Nirvana.

I miss my boyfriend damn it

 

I admit that last night was not the best nights in history but so what! There can be tons of better ones if we stop dwelling on the past and make each other smile for the rest of our lives.  Right now I simply want to make you happy. At the expense of Lance, ok fine no prob. He is as he put it "Ass deep in 18 year old ass at the moment please do not disturb",  The picture i am trying to paint is that I could of gone with him last night, he could of left Zelph for me, BUT I CHOSE YOU.  I want to be happy with you.  The amount of love I have for you is without limits or boundaries.  Save the hundreds of miles but we cross it.  So dont fucking worry about me and lance. He said he wouldnt take me back unless our lives led that way anyway and since i walked down your path the odds of that happening are slim since you are AMAZING.  I have had enough of this lance or mike crap. I chose you so meh.  That came out more immaturely then I had hoped so let me rephrase that. SUPER FREAKIING MEHHHHH.  Now can we be happy with our lives and live happily ever after with me owning your ipod? Lol one must try for the impossible at all times.

HEHE

oK NOW i am super tired from work. So its off to bed for me.

Kittie loves Alexo exclusively
And yes i lust for your freaking ipod. hehe